Monday, June 19, 2006

Guest: A Weekend of Dysfunction

Let's travel to Hopkinton to visit Uldis and Pat Ozols and their teeming brood of effed-up children and grandchildren, shall we?

Friday 6/16/06

4 egg whites
Diet Lemon Snapple

1 slice of pepperoni pizza

Half of a mandarin grilled chicken salad (I ate this at the Houlihan's in Penn Station because our train was delayed for an hour, and I wanted to sit down somewhere. It tasted like ass and cost like sixteen dollars. I picked out all of the chicken, but was very careful to eat all of the peanuts and wontons.)

1 Bloody Mary

1 steamed pork dumpling
1 boneless spare rib
2 pieces of orange chicken
2 pieces of szechuan chicken
Some chicken and shrimp lo mein

My father gets very excited to order Chinese food whenever I visit my parents, because that is what he likes to eat, and so he assumes that he is providing me with a "treat." When I graduated from Harvard, I was taken out for Chinese food. Both fucking times. (Who does this? Nobody even asked me what I wanted. I wanted a steak.) I have never had the heart to tell him that I live in Manhattan, where I have Chinese food coming out of my ass. I would have preferred to eat literally anything other than Chinese food. Really sweet times.

Saturday 6/17/06

1 plate of spaghetti with meat sauce
1 meatball
A glass of Diet Pepsi

Half of a tuna sandwich on light white bread with tomato

4 "turd cookies" (At my niece's request, I make these whenever I visit my parents. They're no-bake cookies made from oats, sugar, butter, cocoa, and peanut butter, and you eat them chilled from the fridge. I find them to be very delicious. Nonetheless, it was not necessary for me to eat four of them. I was feeling extremely anxious.)

Zero beers (I point this out only because there was no alcohol in my parents' home, excluding a bit of ten-year-old cooking wine, and this was extremely irritating.)

Sunday 6/18/06

1 grilled hot dog on a bun with ketchup, mustard, relish, and sauerkraut
A serving of macaroni salad
Two servings of potato salad
2 dill pickle spears
1 boiled lobster claw dipped in butter

1 large tumbler of iced coffee with 1 percent milk
A scoop of chocolate chip ice cream
A small sliver of apple pie

This was supposed to be a cookout held at my parents' house in honor of Father's Day and my birthday. Instead it was a bunch of idiots sitting around a table screaming at each other, and me wishing I was elsewhere! Also a dog was barking the whole time, and there were some racial slurs! Awesome!

A Bud Light

A handful of green grapes

Thanks for having me, friends. Sorry I eat such boring food.


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