Thursday, July 13, 2006

For This Reporter, Food is a PROBLEM

Food Questionnaire

When was the last time you ate an entire, full-size candy bar? What kind of candy bar was it?

If M&M's don't count, which they shouldn't, I probably ate a Hershey's Cookies and Creme bar two weeks ago at some point. (I could look this up.)

What is a food you ate all the time as a kid, but which now disgusts you?

There was a long period of my life (at least 5 or 6 years) when I ate only the following: pancakes, sometimes waffles, gingerbread, spare-ribs, a sandwich made of whole-wheat bread w/ butter and cinammon sugar between the bread, cheez-its, and sweets.

That whole-wheat/butter/cinammon sugar sandwich thing really sounds gross to me because of all the butter in it and how it would make it soggy. However, if you made that sandwich open faced, decreased the butter content, and toasted it, I bet it would be pretty good and sort of normal.

Also, my Mom spent an entire summer of my childhood trying to make me eat peanut-butter on whole wheat bread so I would be able to eat peanut-butter as a first step towards being normal. I hated it and would throw it up every night. Then at the end of the summer my Mom admitted that she hates peanut-butter also. Anyway, that was a gross way to live.

What is a recent food impulse buy which you regretted? Which you were delighted by?

This is a hard question for me because I don't think I've ever had a food impulse buy. Pass.

What was the most satisfying meal you ever prepared for yourself and ate while totally drunk?

I poured olive oil on a dish and dipped pita bread in it. This is also the most elaborate dish I have ever prepared for myself. Except maybe dipping chicken fingers in ketchup. That is also very good when drunk or hungover.

If you had to have one of the FoodFriends design your diet for a week, whom would you select?

Mattpod, because he designs my diet many weeks anyways and he knows that it is not a reflection on his cooking when I don't eat something. Although, maybe I'll say Conrad, just to cut Mattpod down a few hundred notches.

What are the shows you watch the most on Food Network? What are your thoughts on Rachael Ray.

I hate watching any shows about food. I hate thinking about foods that I don't eat. I hate the song "Peaches" by P.O.T. and I hate the line in "The Joker" where he talks about peaches because I don't like to think about peaches because I don't eat them. One time in first grade I saw a girl eating a salad near me and I threw up on my desk.

What food staple would it be most difficult for you remove from your diet?


If I told you that you could only eat one of the following for the rest of your life, but you could always get whatever you chose as fresh and as good as possible, which would you choose? Also, assume that whichever you chose would be seedless: (1) Oranges (2) Clementines (3) Tangerines

I've only had clementines, but I like them a lot.

When and how did you learn to cook?

Haven't. I hope to someday because it seems very satisfying. The thing I am best at is drinking beer and eating chips while other people cook. That is pretty satisfying also.

A quirk of fate leaves you in each of the following cities for long enough to have only one meal. What/where do you eat? Boston, Cambridge, New York, LA.

Boston: I would get a sandwich near where my Dad used to work, just so I could hear him order a "Half-Dennis" sandwich. His name is Dennis.

Cambridge: Grilled chicken sandwich w/ fries at Charley's Kitchen or Grilled chicken sandwich w/ chips at Grendel's Den.

New York: Pizza and Ecstasy at Totonno's.

LA: La Serenata de Garibaldi on Pico Blvd.

Name a fruit, meat, soda, and candy you despise.

I have only tried five fruits and they were all fine. I don't like any meat that is stuffed with anything (look here: for an example of what I'm talking about.) I don't like any soda or carbonated drinks (w/ the exception of beer). I prefer the taste of straight alcohol to alcohol mixed with soda. I don't like fruit candies or candy w/ peanut butter. Also, fuck hazelnut.

I have a teleporter, and can send you anywhere in the world for dinner. Where will you go, what will you have?

I would go to a different galaxy where there is life and see what matter is composed of there, as a way of putting our own existence in perspective. I would do a lot of experiments. Then I would go to Florence and get some pesto/olive oil sciatina from this bakery I used to go to. That would be my dinner rolls. Then I would probably bum around there for a while.

Do you have any well-loved or detested cookbooks?

Jewish Cooking in America, edited by Joan Nathan features my Grandmother's famous recipe for blintzes.

Name a food that evokes a strong memory of a particular time and place in your life.

Shish Kabob reminds me of a sexy belly dancer I saw in Epcot Center when I was 10.

What is your relationship to caffeine?

I have had 3 dates with coffee which went as follows:

1. I drank it one time freshman year to stay awake for a paper. I got something strong from Toscanini's and it gave me a headache and I had to lie down and couldn't write the paper.

2. When I was in Capri in Italy I had coffee at a hostel really early in the morning after swimming in the Blue Grotto. That was a very pleasant experience.

3. On Valentine's Day senior year I was very tired but had a two hour tutorial coming up after lunch, so I had a cup of coffee at Charley's Kitchen. It made me so wired that I talked all through the tutorial and at one point argued to Amitav Ghosh that slavery wasn't that bad. It turned out I was tired because I had mono.

I'll drink tea though. Tea is fine.

What is the best burger you've ever had?

I had a good burger at Mattpod's Superbowl party two years ago. A lot of people there were weirdly anti-burger and anti-superbowl. That made the burger even better.

I have a food replicator from Star Trek Next Generation, what do you order and how do you order it?

I would order baby back ribs from The Chatham Squire circa 1993. They have since changed chefs and recipes, and now they are not very good, but they used to be my favorite food. They were lean and the sauce was delicious. I would eat two racks of ribs in 10 minutes. After my first summer at camp (I had only eaten gingerbread and cheez-its for three weeks) I had two racks of ribs and a frappe and threw up in front of a dentist's office on rte. 28 in Chatham.

Which comic book character would you most like to cook a meal for you? For which comic book character would you most like to cook a meal?

a.) Veronica. I am getting a boner thinking about this.

b.) Betty. Ooh there would be sparks flying!

Are there any foods that would receive an f- grade from you?

While I have a very limited diet, I actually like almost all foods I try. I just have a psychological block that prevents me from trying new foods, mostly because I think of them as a different category of matter than things that I eat. I rate foods on their texture, which is characteristic of premature babies, which I was not, but which runs in my family.

Anyway, the worst tasting food is the chemical from my acid-reflux pill when I actually have acid-reflux just after taking my pill and I have to taste that chemical. It's like metal or battery acid.

Based on what you've read of the diets of each food reporter, which food reporter would you eat?

I would eat MMW because I'm imagining he would still be alive but laid out on a table with his stomach open and his head would still be sassing me while I was eating him.

Along the lines of "Salt," "Cod," and "History of the World In Six Glasses," what foodstuff would you most like to read a book about?

Astronaut Ice-Cream.

In my family we often took to calling Ramen Noodles "Trash Noodles." Do you have any cute food nicknames?

My Dad sometimes calls pancakes: "Panceckas."

Is there any food you are embarrassed about how much you like it?

No. Maybe Yoohoo. But not really.

Describe a work of art that inspired or affected your eating.

In All of a Kind Family, which is a series of children's books about a poor family in the early 1900s, there is one chapter in one of the books in which they get a gift of some butter, and they make toast, but the oven is so bad that the toast is all burnt, but they still think it's the best food they ever had because they put the butter on it.

That passage has made me never want to be poor.

What was your favorite meal in the dining halls of our fair college? How much would you pay to eat this meal tonight? To eat this meal, would you be willing to travel to Staten Island/Encino/a smelly cave in a swamp?

My favorite meal was the turkey dinner, and my favorite dessert was chocolate chip cookies mixed in with vanilla frozen yogurt. I would travel to Staten Island to eat this, but only if I could order 'Hitch' on Jost's parent's pay-per-view again.

What are your favorite beers? What are your favorite wines? What are your favorite liquors? What are your favorite cocktails? Do you feel that you have a signature drink? If a FoodFriend ever had to order a drink for you while you were in the restroom, what drink should they order?

Beer: Bass, Saranac Black and Tan, Heineken, Brooklyn Lager

Red Wine: House

White Wine: House

Liquor: Whiskey.

Cocktail: Jager shot.

My signature drink is a Bee's Knees. I make this at almost every party. If I am in the restroom, ask the bartender for a 'Widow's Peak' and see what they give you.

If you are a smoker, how does smoking affect your meals? Do you eat less? If you finish what you consider a very good dinner, how important is a post-prandial cigarette to you?

I do not smoke, but I think smoking looks pretty cool.

What is the most expensive food you have ever eaten?

I guess it's not so unbelievably expensive, but I had a steak at Bobby Flay's Bar Americain that was like 45 dollars.

Have you ever eaten food or consumed a beverage while making love?

I drink 8-10 glasses of warm milk while making love.

Last question: What is your favorite food?

Frappe. Either black & white or oreo, depending on where it's from.


Blogger mattpod said...

Although I knew pretty much all of your answers without reading them, I was surprised to find that you have vomited considerably more in your life than even I realized.

1:30 PM  
Blogger Jack said...

I like the consistent popularity of the Hershey's Cookies n Creme, good, good. I like the Betty and Veronica situation, good. At one point, you did mention one thing that struck as being a bit idiosyncratic, though: you've only ever had clementines - and never tried a tangerine or the nearly inescapably popular orange - but you love them. Having so loved the clementine, doesn't the idea of an orange strike you as somewhat appealing?

2:01 PM  
Blogger zachkay said...


2:09 PM  
Blogger v.DANGER said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:54 PM  
Blogger v.DANGER said...

I assume while typing out your answer to the question concerning your favorite cocktail you temporarily forgot about the Bobby Brewster.

Very hurt,

6:55 PM  
Blogger MMW said...

It's profoundly strange to me that of oranges, tangerines, and clementines, the only one you've eaten is a clementine.

To me clementines are like the last step a man takes on the citrus fruit continuum. Well, maybe kumquats are in fact this last step. But it's like saying you've only eaten lamb, I think, but have never had beef or chicken.

3:45 AM  

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